I'm Still Alive: A Non-Custodial Dad Thinks Aloud

Father's Day Indeed!

2006-06-18T15:49:00.000-04:00

What a great day! Around noon or so I checked voicemail and discovered that my son called about 30 minutes earlier to wish me a happy Father's Day. I was overwhelmed. This is the first time I've received anything, be it card or phone call from any of my children since their mother divorced me six years ago.

Soon after, my dad called...he wanted to beat me to the phone call, letting me know he appreciated the funny card I'd sent him earlier in the week. We talked a while about fishing, especially visiting Bass Pro Shops, his newly sculpted back yard, and of course, the weather.

My son is still enjoying life on his own near the Windy City. A couple of weeks ago he started a job working for a bank and is already a star salesman! He says he's still comitted to music and that he and his buddies have big plans for the future.

I'm right behind him and I couldn't be happier.

On a separate note, I never received the "letter bombs" from my girls, so I sent them my own. Earlier this week I penned letters to both of them that they should have received by now. Basically, I reminded them that I'm their father, that I love them very much, and that I'd like to hear from them. Naturally, I let them know that if that's not what they want I'll understand. But I left the door open for them to contact me at any time.

I really hope they do contact me.

Letter Bombs?

2006-06-03T21:40:00.000-04:00

After a month of nothing from my ex-wife I get a short email one afternoon telling me to expect letters from my girls and a "package" and that both would be coming "very soon". Well, that email ruined the rest of my day, and brought on a maddening case of IBS, from which I'm just now recovering.

So, what's in the letters? Kindness and an offer of reconciliation, or an outright dismissal? And what about that package? Updated photographs, or returned gifts, cards and letters?

Either way, their arrival should be a significant emotional event.

Doing Fine

2006-06-03T21:35:00.000-04:00

I've spoken to my son on more than one occasion since he arrived in Chicago. He's doing fine, in fact he sounds quite different. It's like a large weight has been lifted from his shoulders. It makes me consider the possibility that he was living some hard times under his mother's roof. At any rate I'm glad he's doing ok.

Apparently, he'll be getting a job in a couple of days. He went for an interview and during the process made a sale. Apparently, it was very high-dollar. He was laughing about it, and I was too. I'm very proud of him.

He's Alive and Breathing!

2006-05-21T21:19:00.000-04:00

My wife called me at work last Wednesday to tell me that my son called and checked in! As I suspected, he cancelled his old cell phone plan before leaving home and had to purchase a new one. Like any other young man his age, and living in these times, he failed to write down any of the numbers in the phonebook on his cell. When it was turned off, he lost everything, and since he hadn't committed my numbers to memory, he dropped off the radar screen.

A new phone, a call to 411 and a couple of crossed fingers later he was able to find me. He's fine, in the Windy City and loving his new-found autonomy. I can breathe easier now. I'm crossing my fingers that he succeeds in his endeavors, and always remembers that I'm here for him anytime he needs me.

Lost Contact

2006-05-14T12:41:00.000-04:00

A lot has happened over the past month. I sent a letter to my ex-wife rebutting an email she'd sent me days earlier. In her missive, she told me that my kids didn't want to have anything else to do with me, and that that was my fault. She also insulted my wife, whom she's never even met.

I laid six pages worth of my feelings out to her. Afterward I felt as if a large weight had been lifted. I'd needed to defend myself for a long time. My wife also sent her an email in response to her comments. We haven't heard a peep from her since then.

I'm worried about my son though. I haven't spoken with him in two weeks. He planned to leave the house last Sunday. I started calling him about five days prior. He's turned his cellphone off...all I get is his voicemail. I can rationalize this as his way of breaking clear of his old environs. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses, come up on the net and call me. I just want to know he's alright and arrived at his destination safely.

At best, he's getting a new cellphone with a new number. At the very worst, he's angry with me over something.

Either way, I wish he'd call.

Course of Action

2006-04-16T20:21:00.000-04:00

I spoke with my son this afternoon. I'd intended to speak with him mother first, but she was busy getting ready for a business trip. I reinforced my feeling that he was a young man, capable of his own decisions, and that if he truly wanted to leave the house, it was ok with me. But I didn't want him to leave without getting his GED.

I asked him if he could pass the test today, and walked him through where in his town he could take the test. Surprisingly, he already knew where, and assured me he could pass it and was planning to before his departure. I told him I wanted him to call me when he had a date, and to fax me a copy of his completion certificate.

He actually thanked me for being hard on him. I was a little shocked by that, by him saying that he was glad I was being tough. It made me feel like a parent, and it was good to know he was responding to limits...even though, at 18, he could have told me to go to hell.

We talked about a few other things--his friends, prospects for performing arts schools in NY, and the latest movies. We ended the call with a pledge. As a man and his father I promised to look out for him and advise him, and to always have a place for him with me. As a man and my son he promised to get his GED and show me proof.

With a little luck and persistence, I'll get my son back.

I've Been Expecting Your Call

2006-04-13T20:05:00.000-04:00

Last night, my ex-wife called. I can't say that I was surprised, after all, my son broke the news to his mom and sisters last weekend. She sounded rather serious, somber, and a little choked up. In fact, her voice quivered quite a bit. I tried to be civil, and I think I pulled it off like a regular saint. Afterward I really needed a drink.

At any rate, she began with the normal accusations: I didn't care, wasn't bothered, etc. Eventually, she moved on to tell me that my son was flunking high school, hanging around with bad kids, and that his plan to start a band would ultimately fail. She told me the least I could do was give him sound advice. I thought I'd already done that when I told him he could stay with me.

I'm going to give him a call tonight about what his mom's had to say. Naturally, I want to hear his side of the story. Regardless, I'm really concerned right now. Although he's got to make his own decisions, I still care about him...I want him to make informed choices.

Preparation for Movement

2006-04-09T10:29:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my son called to let me know he'd broken the news to his mom and sisters that he would be leaving the house. He sounded very excited over the phone, and for a moment, I remembered being his age. That admixture of adrenaline, fear, and optimism. If you've experienced it you know what I'm talking about. It leaves you breathless and lightheaded.

I'm proud of him. It seems that he's grown so much in the past few days since he let me in on his plan. On Monday he was preparing a clandestine move away from home, not at all concerned with the consequences. I asked him about this plan more than once. I wanted him to consider the fact that his mother loved him, and that he'd regret not reconciling with her.

While I won't take credit for what he finally did yesterday, I hope I helped point him in that direction. It was a very brave and mature thing for him to do...and very freeing. Now, he won't have to move in secret. Regret and guilt won't be ready weapons that could be used against him later.

I'm not sure if he actually realizes that his decision effectively disarmed his mother. She's used regret and guilt as potent weapons against me more than once over the years. Now, I just have to be there for him during this time to see he carries through with his intent.

As long as he's in that house, he's in emotional danger.

Fueling Up the Karma Bus

2006-04-06T20:02:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago, my son called me at work. Unfortunately, I was on another line at the time, so he had to deal with my voicemail. Luckily, I caught it rather quickly after he hung up, and called him right back.

I will never forget our conversation. He was fed up with his homelife. He and his buddies were planning to leave the state, room together, and look for work. I was overwhelmed by what he spoke of. I advised him to consider reconciling with his mother. He told me that he was more interested in reconciling with me. I'm both happy, and apprehensive for him. I know what it's like to be 18, craving independence, and at the same time being scared shitless.

He's led me to believe that my ex has been lying to him all these years. Although I've always suspected that this was true, I wanted to disbelieve she would do such a thing. It really defies logic. Kids grow up. Eventually they ask questions, just like the ones my son is asking right now.

The Great Big Small World

2006-04-06T19:54:00.000-04:00

Every now and then, I Google my kids, just to see if they show up. Nowdays, you never really know if or when anyone will show up on the net. Over the years I've seen my girls get awards for perfect attendance, or as good citizens. I've read about my son's achievements in school and scouts.

A couple of weeks ago, I found my son's blog. It was only one page, and like my blog, not updated on a regular basis! Still, in those few moments, I somehow reconnected with him.

The next day, that page was gone. I don't know if by conicidence he deleted it, or, being so old and never updated, the webmaster did so. At any rate, I'm kicking myself for not having the foresight to bookmark his page.

Christmas Shortfalls

2005-12-29T09:19:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas is over. This year I sent my children gifts I found on the Internet. Gifts I thought would be appropriate for them. It's kind of hard to do really, since I'm not around them at all. They're all in their teens, and in their own ways, a little fickle. Of course, it could be that I'm just too old and out of touch.

My son Alex just turned 18 last month. I sent him an REI gift card that he promptly redeemed for a pair of snow goggles. Most guys are easy to buy for, and I'm glad my son is one of them. My daughters got jewelry. I picked a silver and garnet necklace, made in Bali, for my eldest girl, and a crystal necklace, made in Brazil, for the youngest. I hoped they would like them, and I later I found out that two of them did. I still don't know about the third.

My youngest daughter refuses to speak with me. I still don't know why, and I won't until she comes to the phone. I'm not sure when it happened, maybe it's the fact I'm remarried, maybe it's puberty, or anger. She sent me, (out of the blue) three emails this year. Each containing one or two sentences. The subject was trivial. They weren't angry emails, just seemed like an afterthought.

So I'm changing my strategy this year. I'm sending her a letter, very soon. A last attempt to get through to her. It will be her decision if and when she wants a relationship with me. I'll stop asking for her when I speak with my other kids. I won't send cards or gifts on Christmas or her birthday. It will be up to her.

It breaks my heart.

The Triumph of No Effort

2005-05-02T19:13:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I think the best approach toward my ex-wife is to just not care anymore. My kids don't call me, nor do they write or send cards on my birthday or Father's Day. They are happy when I call them, and they express gratitude on their birthday's and at Christmas. Plus, they are older...all in their teens. My son will be 18 this year. Moreover, my ex-wife doesn't call me, or bother me about money or my time. She just makes it difficult for me to see my children. That's all. It's her leverage and power over me, and over other people in my family.

So, why not detach? I've got a good rapport with my kids anyway. Besides, I remember being their age and not calling my dad. Too caught up in being a kid, and not thinking about his feelings. I didn't love him any less then than I do now. I suppose I was immature. Just like my kids are today. I feel pretty confident now that if I call them often, send cards, and see them when I can, (albeit on her terms) that I can remain engaged somewhat in their lives.

It would certainly do me a lot of good stress-wise. Not to worry all the time about how to approach the ex, or what new disgusting trick she will pull next. My folks wouldn't have to hear about it, nor would my wife. The entire situation stresses her too. Perhaps moreso sometimes.

The Chinese strategist, Sun Tzu described an approach to war he called "The Triumph of No Effort". A strategy where one achieves victory by positioning for success. They maneuver their opponents toward their own ends, and triumph simply because it's "easy".

So doing nothing, eventually I come out on top. In seven years my youngest child will be 18. On that day, I won't have to deal with my ex anymore. I can live that long. If I don't, I have people who will let my kids know the truth about their mother. Then they can decide for themselves.

It's only a matter of time.

Relationships: My Youngest Daughter

2005-04-18T19:14:00.000-04:00

My youngest child is probably the most challenging of the three. At eleven, she's sharp whitted, rebellious, and very decisive. Like her brother at this age, she sees only black and white. There is either good or bad, positive or negative. Right now, we aren't talking.

It's not because I haven't been trying. The past few months, my calls coincide with her bath time, or she is out, or doesn't feel like coming to the phone. I often wonder what is going on. I did talk to her last week, but that was only because she was first to pick up the phone. Even though she is the most complex, even the most moody, it's just not like her to act this way. We used to be so close.

She always wanted to go with me wherever I went somewhere. If it was time to run her siblings to school, she wanted to go too. If I was going to the mall to pick up something, she was there, holding my hand, insisting we stop for a pretzel, or go to the dollar store. Even at six, she was a good shopper. I suppose all of that changed, all those good memories became suspended in her mind when I divorced her mother. I really don't know since she won't talk to me about it.

I hold out hope though. I keep thinking that when she turns 18 and is away from the poison that has become her mother, that she and I will become close again, just like we used to be. If I could pick her up today and swing her in my arms like I did not that many years ago, I would. I would be happy, if only for a moment, to just do that, then put her down and let her grow up.

Relationships- My Oldest Daughter

2005-04-12T19:28:00.000-04:00

My next oldest child is the closest to me in temperament. She will be 14 this year, and like the other two, she is growing up too quickly for me. Prior to last Christmas, I hadn't seen her face to face in 18 months. In that span of time she appears to have grown a couple of inches, and her hair has darkened from blonde to brunette. Despite that, she's still the shy, somewhat self-conscious girl I helped raise while her mother and I were married.

Where my son is extroverted, direct, and still sees the world as black and white, she is introverted and artistic, with great emotional intelligence. She seems never to have seen the world at all in black and white. She likes to paint and sculpt, and sing. I can't fake her out when we are on the phone. She knows exactly what I'm thinking about, when I'm sad, and when I really miss her and her siblings.

I recall that she was the one who got upset the most and cried the easiest. While I'm sure she still gets upset like most of us do, I'm unsure that she is anything like she used to be. I was surprised to hear from her several months ago about the death of the family pet. They put that little poodle down after 15 or so good years of life. Both her sibs didn't want to go along to the vet's office, nor did they want anything to do with the burial, (I don't fault them, I had to put one of our dogs down a while back and it killed me). However, she went along with her stepfather, into the nearby mountains, to find a suitable resting place.

Relationships- My Son

2005-04-10T10:30:00.000-04:00

My son turns 18 this year. It marks a real turning point for both of us. He'll be out on his own, faced with what I hope will be a bright future. It also gives him greater flexibility where I'm concerned. He can come and go as he likes, and his mother can't prevent him from seeing his father anymore. Last Christmas, when I traveled to see him at my dad's house, we talked about his plans. It was kinda neat, actually. Our talk was very nostalgic since I saw a little of myself at 17. So many big plans, coupled with a semi-arrogant assurance that my greatest birthday present would be an epiphany of sorts. The knowledge and confidence of an adult would certainly descend upon me, borne on the wings of a dove.

Of course, I'm wiser now, 22 years later. I listened to what he had to say, using his enthusiasm vicariously (trying to feel younger). I know that he's going to have challenges...we all have them. I'm just glad to be here. I want him to meet those challenges knowing in the back of his head that he can call me for advise, or help, at any time.

I suppose my strategy has been one of "reassurance" of my children over the years since the divorce. I would like to see my kids more. I'd like to be involved in their lives, even if it's just discussing their grades on the phone, or getting a picture or two of them at a school play, or at their birthday parties. But if I can't have that, then ultimately I can wait out my ex. Every day they come closer to the age of consent is a day less of power and influence she can have over me.

Anyway, my son has a certain artistic vein. He started taking drama as a High School Freshman, and apparently is doing quite well. I say "apparently" since I hear everything about his performances second hand. I'm hoping that one of these days I'll get the opportunity to see him on stage, but it will probably be after he's grown and left his mother. He is interested most in stunt choreography. From what I hear he's pretty good at that, and juggling (I watched him put on an in promptu demonstration at an Independence Day Celebration several years ago), and even choir. This year he may even get his Eagle in Boy Scouts.

Sidebar 01

2005-04-09T13:39:00.000-04:00

For most people, the title or term "non-custodial" parent is self-explanatory. I fall into the category of parent who has very little, if anything, to say about how my children are raised. Naturally, I'm free to receive updates on my children, and to engage in discussions with my ex-wife over things that affect them. While advised by the courts, and probably very healthy for all concerned, there is no enforcement. She is free to clue me in, or leave me out. That's the nature of this position.

To be fair, we had an agreement at the time of our divorce. I accepted her position as the sole parent to our children. I signed the agreement, was present when the notary validated the papers, and received my own copy. I wasn't in court when the agreement was finalized, although, in retrospect, I should have been. I made it easy for her since I felt totally guilty for the divorce. I was back in the Army, subject to world-wide deployment, and my assignment at the time required me to travel often.

Not surprisingly, custody decisions are a contentious issue in this country. While conducting research on a related issue, I came across an article published by the National Organization of Women (NOW) about then proposed legislation to force joint custody decisions on the courts. Check it out here if you are interested

I'll be honest. I agree with many of the specific arguments in the article. Certainly there is risk involved in treating each custody case equally. Naturally conditions exist where such an arrangement would jeopardize mother and child, and I'll concede that most agreements are entered into mutually.

The article fails, in my mind, to discuss those times when agreements are made, but not followed. In my case, "liberal visitation" is written into the document. It's more accurate to say that I get "supervised visitation" with my children. Over the years, my ex-wife has engineered their activities so that I can only see them if I travel to their location (2000 miles away), and then for a limited time. On those occasions where they could come to me, it's been around my parents. So, either directly by her, or by proxy, I'm watched.

Overall, the article's tone is negative, and serves to maintain and even forward the overall notion that men, non-custodial parents, and Father's Rights organizations in general are out to suppress, physically injure, and emotionally harm women.

I'll concede that a good part of my troubles are self-inflicted. I could have fought back a long time ago. I have in some ways already. I'm getting better every day. Ultimately, I'd like to say:

All men are not bad, and are not out to abuse women
Sometimes, we are the victims in the relationship
Fathers are important to their children. BOTH of them need each other.

Vitals

2005-04-04T18:27:00.000-04:00

I'm a Non-Custodial father of three children. I have a son, and two daughters. We live about 2000 miles away from each other- me in Virginia, they in Arizona. I'd like very much to say that they are typical teens, each approaching their impending independence with a mixture of excitement and apprehension. I'd like to say that my son has had some good dates, and some bad ones. That his heart jumped the first time he kissed a girl. That he sweat through more than one final exam, or got performance jitters the opening night of his first school play.

My head would swell with pride, if, over a couple of beers on a quiet Saturday evening, I could tell you of my daughter's first big art project, the nerves she must have had the first time away from home at summer camp, or her trials with the local choir.

But I can't. I'm on the sidelines right now. An afterthought at the close of a boring day at school. And I think there are more people like me out there.

When I got married for the first time, it was into a ready-made family. My first wife and I were high school sweathearts, although three years apart in age. Our "romance" if you could call it that, ended when I left for college in another state, and she stayed behind. In between my time in school and my first assignment in the Army, we'd seen each other here and there. Sometimes there were sparks, sometimes not. Right before I graduated from college I heard she'd married another guy from school, one we both knew.

I didn't hear from here again until I was in Germany serving in my first assignment. Strange enough, her first husband and I shared a flight to Germany. I was coming over for the first time, he was returning from leave. He was an enlisted soldier, while I was commissioned. I remember that he was the one how recognized me first. I never asked about her, and he never volunteered. Later I found out that he couldn't wait to tell her that I was on the plane with him. Six months later she tried to contact me at my unit, leaving a cryptic message. Three months after that, I got a letter in the mail from her, along with a phone number. Looking back, I probably shouldn't have called.

The letter was very short and to the point. She wanted to know if I still thought or felt anything about her, and she desparately needed to ask me a question. I'll admit I had mixed feelings. Part of me wanted to see her again. I had been in Germany for several months and I was lonely. I was also curious about her and where her life had taken her. Included in the letter were two photos of her newborn son. He was about 10 months old at the time, with an infectious smile and bright red hair.

After a day or so of thinking about it, I broke down and called her. I should mention at this time that there were so many bad omens surrounding our reunion. My mom thought it was a bad idea and my horoscopes were all "off". Both rune throw and tarot cast spelled out the same message...a long, arduous journey that would be fraught with heartache. Later I was to learn that right after contacting me, one of her runes actually split in half. All this aside, that little voice inside my head was telling me to proceed with caution. But, as they say, the flesh is weak.